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Cyber bullying

Posted 26 August, 2010 - 10:18

By Wilmie van Tonder (Social Worker and Family Therapist)

I often hear about cybercrime, and learn about the effects it has on its victims but up until a few weeks ago I was totally ignorant about the general involvement of minors in these horrific acts. It was on the show of a famous talk show host that I first heard the words “sexting” and “cyber bullying”. She talked to teenagers that were deeply involved, but truly showed no remorse. What actually shocked me to my core was their parents’ response: ignorance. Many of them knew about this, but failed to take real action. Like me, they had no idea of the magnitude of the situation their children were involved in.

This month we are going to take a look at cyber bullying and if nothing else, create awareness.

What is cyber bullying?

According to StopCyberbullying (www.stopcyberbullying.org), “cyber bullying” is when a minor is either tormented, threatened, harassed, humiliated, embarrassed or otherwise targeted by another minor by means of the internet, interactive and digital technologies or mobile phones. Once an adult gets involved it is called cyber-harassment or cyber stalking. Methods used are limited only by the child’s imagination and access to technology, but thanks to modern technology, kids can now be cyber bullied 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, instantly and repeatedly. According to research 84% of today’s parents don’t know how to help kids conquer this threat, turning them into victims themselves.

Examples of cyber bullying

The South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG) tell the story of Kylie Kenney in an article on cyber bullying. This eighth grader was targeted by peers who created a Web site, titled “Kill Kylie Incorporated”. The site featured a list of crude insults beneath the heading: “She’s queer because….” Although she immediately reported the incident, the impact of the bullying was so severe she was forced to change schools.

There are two variants: direct attacks (messages sent to kids directly) and cyber bullying by proxy (using others to help cyber bully the victim, either with or without the accomplice’s knowledge). The latter gets adults involved and are therefore much more dangerous. Murder and suicide have occurred as a result of cyber bullying. Research shows that between 13-15% of teens have either received threatening e-mails and text messages or had their private conversations posted online for all to see or have had false rumours spread about them somewhere online
(www.howtostopcyberbullying.com).

Profile of a cyber-bully

Cyber bullying is often motivated by anger, revenge or frustration. Sometimes it has entertainment value while for others it is about power play. Kids might be bored or just try to get some attention or reaction. Some may even think they are righting a wrong by standing up for others.

The site ‘Stop Cyber bullying’ (www.stopcyberbullying.org/teens/are_you_a_cyberbully.html) has put together a questionnaire that your child can go through in order to determine if he is a cyber bully:

Have you ever:
1. …signed on with someone else’s screen name to gather information?
2. …sent an e-mail or online greeting card from someone else’s account?
3. …impersonated someone over IM or online?
4. …teased or frightened someone over IM?
5. …not told someone who you really are online, telling them to “guess”?
6. …forwarded a private IM conversation or e-mail without the permission of the other person?
7. …changed your profile or assay message designed to embarrass or frighten someone?
8. …posted pictures or information about someone on a Web site without their consent?
9. …created an Internet poll, either over IM or on a Web site, about someone without their consent?
10. …used information found online to follow, tease, embarrass or harass someone in person?
11. …sent rude or scary things to someone, even if you were just joking?
12. …used bad language online?
13. …signed someone else up for something online without their permission?
14. …used an IM or e-mail address that looked like someone else’s?
15. …used someone else’s password for any reason without permission?
16. …hacked into someone else’s computer or sent a virus to them?
17. …insulted someone in an interactive game room?
18. …posted rue things or lies about someone online?
19. …voted at an online bashing poll or posted to a guestbook saying rude or mean things?

(Note that all of the above qualify as forms of cyber bullying.)

Steps to preventing cyber bullying

Because motives differ, solutions and responses should be adapted accordingly. Here are some tips:

  • Educate your kids about the consequences of cyber bullying and form some consequences of your own, then follow through (e.g. losing their internet service provider or instant messages accounts);
  • Teach them to respect the boundaries of all people and to take a stand against bullying of all kinds;
  • Build a relationship with your child that enables them to trust you with their good AND bad decisions or experiences;
  • React in a way that will make your child feel secure and safe. Do not act on impulse, out of anger or irrationally. Consider these two things before anything else: Is your child at risk of physical harm or assault? And how are they handling the attacks emotionally? Your actions have to escalate as the threat to your child does;
  • Don’t brush off the emotional impact that cyber bullying has on children. Be supportive and understanding. It is a well-known fact that cyber bullying leads to children of a very young age struggling with severe depression, anxiety, self-mutilation and suicidal thoughts;
  • If you do come across evidence of cyber bullying, keep a thorough record and report it as quickly as possible to the local authorities, especially if personal contact information has been posted online. Printouts are not sustainable evidence. You will need electronic evidence and live data;
  • Inform your child’s school, (peer or family) counsellor and paediatrician if things progress. It is crucial for them to support your family in any way they can;
  • Kids often change roles, going from victim to bully and back again. They may not even realise that they are bullying another child. It is crucial to teach our children not to take matters into their own hands and become vengeful cyber bullies themselves, but to come to you. Children should understand that by speaking out and helping others in the same situation, they will be controlling technology instead of being controlled by it.

Get support

In most first world countries, Legislation is in place that protects minors from cyber bullying. Upon my search into South African law and support I was quite surprised to find the following information on www.info.gov.za/speech. On the 19 February 2010 a draft cyber-crime policy was gazetted, inviting public comments. The revised and integrated document shall be finished during 2010. Until then Minister of Police, Nathi Mthethwa, ensures the public that police will receive on-going training in dealing with cybercrime and urges parents to involve their local authorities in this fight against crime.

Check your online privacy and security settings

Posted 19 July, 2010 - 13:07

By Wilmie van Tonder (Social Worker and Family Therapist)
I regularly wonder about the whereabouts of old friends and family and without much effort I just go on Facebook. Within seconds I have a pretty good idea what is going on in their lives without adding them onto my friends lists. As a regular Facebook user, I am fully aware of the fact that there might be others doing the same with me, but I have good security settings in place – unlike those long lost friends and family.
The fact is that when your personal and social online security is not in place you can put more than just yourself at risk. You may even compromise the safety of your family. At the moment many South Africans are fighting hard to keep their family members and children safe from the dangers out in the world. But staying away from these dangers is not the only safety measure necessary during these times. Making certain information known on public internet sites or via e-mail or SMS message can put you in grave danger or even ruin a good reputation.
Let’s look at a few of the risks usually ignored when socialising on the internet:

  • Status updates: By making your address known on a social media platform and then, for example, saying that you are going on holiday in your status update, you can give criminals the opportunity they’re looking for with the knowledge that you are away from home;
  • Grooming: Paedophiles and people addicted to pornography might have a feast on your children's inadequately secured photo albums. Some might even see that your child wants to network, and make contact with them. This may actually lead your child into believing in a cyber-relationship. There have been cases in which online grooming interactions between a paedophile and a child go horribly wrong – child abductions, rape, brainwashing through involvement in sects, trafficking and even death;
  • Background checks: Employers do thorough background checks on job applicants before hiring them. By going on to some social networks it is very easy for these employers to identify the nature of an applicant’s character and conduct (for example, do they make racist remarks or heavy drinking habits). These online checks of how an applicant represents themselves online definitely influences a prospective employer’s decision before or after an interview with an applicant;
  • Scams: Identity theft has become fairly common with the internet and cellphones. Cyber fraudsters now have a variety of ways to access personal information, give and take personal identities and gain access to financial accounts. At times, these scams use an email or SMS message to prompt an unsuspecting person to pass on personal or banking details; and
  • Spam: Web applications are an easy tool to post your personal email address or cellphone number and unscrupulous promoters and third party list providers will look for this information to spam you with unwanted communications about products and services (including the usual suspects of lottery scams, adult products or adult content).
  • Consumer profiling: Each time you note your preference for a product, service, event or even a statement in the public domain of on a social media site, you are offering an advertiser choice data as to your likes and dislikes and the ability to profile your habits as part of an age or social group.

Based on these risks various sources suggest you put the following in place to ensure your online and real-world identity is protected:

  • Do not make your address or any information on your whereabouts known on online site that do not require it;
  • Refrain from saying when you will be leaving your home and for how long;
  • Regularly update your preferred social network site’s security settings to the maximum. Make a point of updating it when there are site updates are made available. If you have children, make sure that you use security tools that you can trust and that protects your child from harmful adult content as well as sexual predators;
  • When posting photographs online, think about the message that it sends out to the world about yourself. If necessary, ask a friend or family member if they would feel comfortable looking at certain pictures that you are not sure about posting;
  • Although social tools are a means of stating your mood, views and dislikes, make sure it is not offensive or disrespectful;
  • Never make your banking details, pin number or identity number known on public websites, via e-mail or SMS message. This type of information should only be shared in a secure setting, for example; a bank consultant’s office, where you sign off on the information given; and
  • Be selective when listing your likes and dislikes on social networks as advertisers may use certain of your words and phrases to advertise their products.

It is worth the time and effort to put these online security measures in place and to help your children wise up on the matter too. Your life and reputation are worth it.

Why are children SMSing at the dinner table?

Posted 14 June, 2010 - 08:47

By Wilmie van Tonder (Social Worker and Family Therapist)

I have a morning ritual: shower, get dressed, eat, greet my husband and give breakfast to my daughter - during which time I also squeeze in my personal blog. I also regularly visit Facebook and give attention to the constant flow of text messages and e-mails. I have come to realise that the time I have to connect with my child - that one-on-one quality time - is being consumed by my obsession with connecting to everyone I don't see - it’s so easy and fun. So, it is a good thing. Or is it?

Speaking from a family therapist point of view I think that cellphones have become a comfortable scapegoat for both kids and parents in this relationally barren era. We would rather have meaningless conversations with faceless friends than having those same conversations with a person that should be the most important face in your life.

Cellphone usage at the dinner table is simply a symptom of parents and children who do not feel comfortable talking - on any level.

In Chip Ingram's parenting course, ‘Effective Parenting in a Defective World’, he explains the role of the parent as being one in which you encourage your child to do as, be and think like you do. You therefore are disciple this young mind into a mini version of yourself. What am I and many parents out there modeling then? I for one might be planting a seed that the little object in my hand must be kept close at all times and that when it rings or beeps it comes before the needs of the one closest to me.

According to a survey done on 18,000 young people in 16 countries including the UK, USA, China, Japan, Canada and Mexico, "Young people ...see ‘tech’ as ... an organic part of their lives," said Andrew Davidson, vice president of MTV's VBS International Insight unit. "Talking to them about the role of technology in their lifestyle would be like talking to kids in the 1980s about the role the park swing or the telephone played in their social lives - it's invisible."

The challenge parent’s face is to not frustrate children with old school rules and depriving them of fitting in, but to replace the problem with something meaningful and family-friendly.

How then do we build relationship with each other? How does a parent model and create healthy family time around the dinner table without boring everyone to death or worse, faking a patent-child relationship?

Here are a few basic parenting ideas:

  • Try to set a specific time for dinner each night and do not deviate from it. Children feel secure if there is a set of rules. They may not like it but it is the beginning of creating a family ritual.
  • Eat at the table, not in front of the TV. Set the table, involve the kids, and create a beautiful setting. Have theme nights and dress up. Or eat in different rooms of the house. Keep it interesting and the mood light.
  • Make dinner rules. No cell phones. No arguments. No burping . Listen when others talk, etc.
  • As a parent, you must facilitate these conversations: making them fun and keeping them free from arguments, judgment and hurtful comments.
  • Keep these dinner times short at first. Up until the point where the family really connect, awkwardness might creep in if it goes on too long;
  • Decide on extending one of the dinners by playing games, inviting a friend or going out for dessert.
  • Ignite those much needed conversations by starting some kind of family game or ritual. For example, each person gets to name a high and low experience of the day or things they're grateful for or start Table Topics (for ideas, visit the Familyfun website).

As technology continuously changes, so our parenting plans must be regularly updated too. If you and your children know that dinner times are special family gatherings where they can be themselves and be heard, they might not feel the need to 'connect' with their cellphone to a faceless crowd 24/7.

Please feel welcome to share you cellphone free dinner experiences or send through any tips or ideas for these dinner evenings. Contact me via email: editor@parentscorner.org.za or post a new comment below.

Do we as parents have the right to regularly check our children’s SMS, MXIT and Facebook discussions?

Posted 4 May, 2009 - 11:53

By Hannelie Kotze (Educational Psychologist)

The short and sweet answer to this question is an even shorter answer – NO!

I am a firm believer of the fact that if you want to teach somebody something, the best way to do it, is to live the example. St Francis of Assisi was reported to have said: “If you want to proclaim God, do it and only when really necessary, use words.” Thus, if you want to teach your children about trust and respect in relationships, you must start by trusting them and showing them respect. Unfortunately that is not the whole story; children also have to learn that trust has to be earned and can easily be lost if we do not value it.

Therefore, I would suggest that you discuss the boundaries and rules around cellphone usage before you hand your child a cellphone. If it is too late for that then it is time to sit your child down and apologise to him or her for failing them. Then put things in place to avoid any future unhappiness.

Explain to your child that it is human nature, and fairly normal for children, to push boundaries and to be inquisitive. We all looked up the swear words in the dictionary as a child. Children have changed over the years but in some instances not at all. The only problem is that now it is no longer looking up a few “not so nice words” in a dictionary! Children today have access via their personal computers and cellphones to almost any kind of information on the internet, some of which can be very damaging and it is your responsibility as a parent to guide them as to what digital content they can access.

You can use the following analogy to explain to your child the concept of trust. At first when you were teaching him or her to learn to ride a bicycle without fairy wheels you initially had to hold on to the seat of the bicycle to assist with balance. As his or her balance improved you just had to run alongside the bicycle until a time came where it was enough to just watch from a distance. Only then did the two of you go into the streets. This process happened because your child slowly gained your confidence by showing that he or she can ride the bicycle without falling down and sustaining any injuries. Once you were sure that they knew the traffic laws and abided by them were they allowed riding their bikes unsupervised. It is no different with cellphones and computers. Initially you will have to monitor access until such time that you are convinced that they can also “ride this bicycle without getting hurt”.

It is not an invasion of your child’s privacy if he or she gives you informed consent after a discussion of what is allowed or not and what the consequences will be if they choose to disobey the agreement. Be very clear about what constitutes breaking your trust, for example, visiting inappropriate websites, logging on to unsupervised chat rooms, not adhering to “cell phone free times”, lying, not keeping promises, not being where they said they would be, being in trouble at school, not completing homework and not handing in projects on time. Do remember though that should your child choose to disobey the agreement that you need to be consistent and follow through with the consequences of your child breaking your trust – even if they may show honest remorse. This, in itself, is a lesson in trust; your word needs to be your word.

Reassure your child that if they are curious about a subject that they can come to talk to you about it. A word of caution: such a parent-child relationship needs to be cultivated from early childhood and is rarely accomplished by your being judgmental and critical of your child.

Remember the saying – “relationships, children and animals reflect the amount of attention they get!”

Happy parenting!

Parents Corner Blog

Posted 17 February, 2009 - 12:22

Special Feature by Hannelie Kotze (Educational Psychologist)

Do you remember those brightly coloured BMX bikes when you were a teenager? You were the envy of your friends when you came to school on one of those; especially so when your bike had all the additional bells and whistles. Today the most important "must have" item for teenagers seems to be a cellphone. A teen is just not one of the cool kids on the block if they do not have the latest cellphone and cannot contact their friends via SMS, instant messaging or send their latest photos via MMS. Seven year olds and seventeen year olds have cellphones, must have them and would rather be seen in last year's fashion than without a cellphone.

All photos on this website are copyrighted material and all rights are reserved.

A cellphone is one of those little technological wonders that make you think: "what was life like before them?" It makes for a great birthday gift for a child and it helps you as a parent to be in contact with your child. You also may feel that your child is technologically far more advanced than you and that you cannot teach him or her anything about a cellphone. This, however, is where many parents are mistaken. So, where do we as parents fit into the picture when it comes to cellphones and the mobile youth generation and what are our responsibilities apart from footing the cellphone bill?

Firstly, we have to acknowledge that we are giving our children a very powerful and technologically advanced piece of equipment. When you hand your child a cellphone you also potentially hand him or her access to a range of digital communication channels and content services - from mobile instant messaging and chat rooms to dating services, from premium rate mobile services to the mobile internet. Surely you would not allow your teenager to take your car out for the night if you knew he or she hardly knows how to drive. The same logic should apply to cellphones; your child needs to understand the benefits and potential dangers of cellphone use before they are given one!

Parenting Tips: Creating Boundaries for Cellphone Use

Like with most things in life there are boundaries. Children need to be informed and understand what boundaries exist around cellphone usage. I would suggest you consider the following areas in regard to your child and their use of a cellphone: setting a budget for cellphone use, accessing mobile content, cyberbullying, mobile instant messaging and mobile chat rooms, cellphone addiction, and school policy on cellphone use

Setting a Budget for Cellphone Use

The first, and to me one of the most important steps, is to discuss a cellphone budget with your child. A child must understand that if they spend over and above what has been budgeted for them they will be personally responsible for paying the amount of overspend. However, cellphone contracts are more often than not in your name as the parent or guardian - which makes you legally responsible for the account.

Children need to be informed about how billing works for cellphones. Many children rake up huge accounts due to ignorance on how voice or SMS services are billed. Ensure that your child knows the difference between once-off mobile content downloads and subscription services when sending an SMS to a premium rate number (a shortcode). Unlike once-off downloads where a customer is billed only when accessing content, with a subscription service a customer receives ongoing mobile content and is billed continuously on a daily, weekly or monthly basis.

Tip - I would suggest a capped contract or a prepaid account to best manage your child's cellphone budget. If you allow your child to make use of a subscription service, make sure they know how to stop the service. Also see cellphone related issues and how you can lodge a complaint with WASPA

Accessing Mobile Content

Of more concern than the overspending on a cellphone account is the kind of material your child can access from their cellphone. Popular subscription services are ring tones, horoscopes, rugby or cricket scores and adult content (including pornographic images). Commercials strongly promote these services and your child can easily access age inappropriate material.

Tip - Your child must be forewarned that you will be checking up on them until such time that he or she has proven that they can be a responsible cellphone user. I know, to many a parent, it may seem that it is an invasion of their child's privacy but you need to explain to them that it is for their own safety.

Cyberbullying

Certain rules apply in verbal communication: like being polite and kind towards others. These same rules apply to Internet and mobile communications. Many children fall prey to cyberbullies or can become the bully themselves. The anonymity that the cyber world provides creates an ideal unsupervised schoolyard where cyberbullies can spread rumours, forward photos, or textually harass other teenagers. Anne Collier, editor of NetFamilyNews.org, says that children "need to know that the Internet is a public space and need to treat it as such." This applies to the Internet accessed from a cellphone as much as using the Internet from a computer. This knowledge could go a long way towards preventing cyberbullying problems before they start.

Tip - It is important to guide children as to what is appropriate information to share online. This includes private details, photos or even video clips.

Mobile Instant Messaging and Mobile Chat Rooms

Mobile instant messaging (MIM) enables a person to be in contact with selected friends by sending short messages. It is cheap, but unlike SMS, both users have to be logged on to the mobile instant message site or application to communicate in real time. Many MIM services include anonymous chat rooms, which involves the exchange of information with a group of strangers. Some chat rooms allow users to also send pictures to each other. Most chat rooms are not moderated and provide a forum for unregulated conversations. Some MIM services have adult discussion topics and many contain X-rated quotes. Another concern is that adults can easily prey on innocent young people because of the anonymity that MIM provides.

Tip - It is important to know your child's screen names and email addresses and do not hesitate to search for her or his online identity. Discuss with them what are acceptable websites, chat rooms and messaging services. Tell them you are concerned for their safety.

Cellphone Addiction

I often hear of parents complaining about their children becoming fixated with a cellphone: spending time on Mxit talking in chat rooms to the detriment of their schoolwork and depriving themselves of sleep. Addiction to the cellphone, as well as to the computer and online games, is a real and growing problem among the youth. Often the most addictive games are the online multi-player games. They include role-playing, endless levels of achievement, and an instant messaging or chat function. Groups of players play and chat online and create a fantasy world that provides an escape from real life. Children can get caught up in this fantasy world to the exclusion of their real life responsibilities. Therefore, it is important to discuss how much time is allowed to be spent on these online or cellphone activities.

Tip - Discuss cellphone free times like meals, family outings and study time. This means that during certain times of the day cellphones will be switched off. This point is often neglected by parents who later find that their children are rarely seen without a cellphone.

School Policy on Cellphone Use

Your child should be fully informed about the consequences should he or she choose to disobey these rules. Parents must also be prepared to back the school should a cellphone be confiscated because of a transgression. Too often parents make excuses on behalf of their children for their actions and do not set the appropriate boundaries for cellphone use in the school environment.

Tip - Acquaint yourself with your child's school policy with regards to cellphones and usage at school and support the school's policy.

Responsible Parenting Matters

As a parent you can take each and every one of these precautionary measures around cellphone use and your child may still be exposed to cyberbullying or inappropriate material. But at least you have fulfilled your duty as a responsible parent.

Good and responsible parenting goes a long way toward preventing problems with cellphone usage. Below are a few more things you can do as a parent:

  • If you think they spend too much time on the cellphones, ask them what's going on.
  • Engage your children in regular conversations about their lives.
  • Have dinner together every day (without their cellphone at the table).
  • If their grades suffer or their friends stop calling, ask why.
  • If you detect a problem or a behavioural change, address it immediately; don't let it slide.

Your comments and feedback are always welcome. Email us with these or alert us to any further issues relating to the use of cellphones among pre-teens and teenagers that you would like to see us cover.

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